Hey everyone!
I felt like I needed some change, so I've been blogging over on backporchdreams.wordpress.com
Blessings,
Gracie
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Sunday, August 9, 2015
The different variety of beauty.
Lately I've been thinking about beauty. I've been seeing posts and tweets and pins about this, and normally I don't pay much attention to them, but as of late they caught my eye and got me thinking about this subject in more depth. I noticed that much, if not all, of what I saw labeled as beautiful was flawless, photoshopped, artificially enhanced. Altered. Which I'm not saying is bad, I love editing pictures and appreciate perfection and aesthetics.
But it made me think of beauty that normally isn't recognized; the painful, the small, the overlooked type. The melancholy sort of beauty.
Don't get me wrong; I love the happy beauty; the perfect symmetry of someone's face and a flawless smile, a perfectly arranged bouquet, photoshopped eyes that are absolutely breathtaking, a textbook perfect moment, but I also love the other types of beautiful things.
The beauty of holding someone as they cry, seeing their tear stained face, and all of their emotions churning just below the surface of their reddened and moist eyes. The rawness. The realness. When someone trusts you enough to pour out all of the ugly problems and messes in their life, that is also beauty, just a different type. Little flowers growing on top of boulders. Patterns in the mud, an imperfect smile, a homely face but a beautiful soul. Crooked teeth, large noses, lips that are "too big", different shades of skin, eyes that aren't symmetrical. People rambling on and on about completely random things, vulnerability, shiny glints in granite, vocal and "clumsy" prayers that are completely honest and open. These are beautiful.
Weakness, there's just something alluring about it.Watching someone break and realize that they can't do it alone and that they need to lean on their Savior. Brokenness.
Emotional goodbyes. Sadness. Even though it stinks, it still shows you that you can care and feel, that you're alive. Abandoned houses, broken windows, peeling paint. Imperfectly sanded objects and ripped jeans from being on your knees. Calloused hands. Graveyards with crumbling memories and strong
emotions. Scars, they show that you've overcome. Worn and broken books, specifically Bibles, coffee stains and taped pages. An open manifestation of grief. The moment when you honestly don't care what people will think and worship and pray with wild abandon. The hard times that shape your story and mold you into who you are.
Missing friends, the heartache that is evidence that you care. Broken down cars by the side of the road with windows smashed in and glass glittering, fallen trees that were once majestic but are now giving back, muddy riverbeds, swamps with all of their secrets, when a fictional character dies and your heart goes through an emotional blender. Piles of leaves gathered up like old memories, chipped teacups, and gruff voices. Finding bones in the woods, cleansing tears, shattered mirrors.
I love those happy, perfect moments and people, but I also love this melancholy beauty. I like imperfection and odd things as much as I do perfection; being different makes you irreplaceable, and so often we're told to be the same as everyone else. But rawness is intriguing. Such a mystery. I love it. So wild and imperfect, and yet it is perfect in it's imperfection, and I'm grateful.
But it made me think of beauty that normally isn't recognized; the painful, the small, the overlooked type. The melancholy sort of beauty.
Don't get me wrong; I love the happy beauty; the perfect symmetry of someone's face and a flawless smile, a perfectly arranged bouquet, photoshopped eyes that are absolutely breathtaking, a textbook perfect moment, but I also love the other types of beautiful things.
The beauty of holding someone as they cry, seeing their tear stained face, and all of their emotions churning just below the surface of their reddened and moist eyes. The rawness. The realness. When someone trusts you enough to pour out all of the ugly problems and messes in their life, that is also beauty, just a different type. Little flowers growing on top of boulders. Patterns in the mud, an imperfect smile, a homely face but a beautiful soul. Crooked teeth, large noses, lips that are "too big", different shades of skin, eyes that aren't symmetrical. People rambling on and on about completely random things, vulnerability, shiny glints in granite, vocal and "clumsy" prayers that are completely honest and open. These are beautiful.
Weakness, there's just something alluring about it.Watching someone break and realize that they can't do it alone and that they need to lean on their Savior. Brokenness.
Emotional goodbyes. Sadness. Even though it stinks, it still shows you that you can care and feel, that you're alive. Abandoned houses, broken windows, peeling paint. Imperfectly sanded objects and ripped jeans from being on your knees. Calloused hands. Graveyards with crumbling memories and strong
emotions. Scars, they show that you've overcome. Worn and broken books, specifically Bibles, coffee stains and taped pages. An open manifestation of grief. The moment when you honestly don't care what people will think and worship and pray with wild abandon. The hard times that shape your story and mold you into who you are.
Missing friends, the heartache that is evidence that you care. Broken down cars by the side of the road with windows smashed in and glass glittering, fallen trees that were once majestic but are now giving back, muddy riverbeds, swamps with all of their secrets, when a fictional character dies and your heart goes through an emotional blender. Piles of leaves gathered up like old memories, chipped teacups, and gruff voices. Finding bones in the woods, cleansing tears, shattered mirrors.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Almost 18
I have 4 more days until I legally become an adult. Just a few more days of being 17, of legally being a child. And this year, I have some things I want to do.
For once I didn't make many, if any at all, New Years resolutions at the start of this year. Instead, I thought that I would put a more personal spin on things and have Birthday Resolutions. After thinking on it for a while, I have some things that I want to do more frequently this year, and they are:
Praying. Listening. Memorizing. Writing. Loving. Becoming a better sister, daughter, and friend. Learning. Being still.
I need to pray constantly and from the heart. Praying over everything, all the time. There have been times in my life when I've prayed like this, and the closeness to God is amazing; such wonderful peace. I want to work on keeping that peace close. I need to work on praying without focusing on what others think of my prayer, but what my Father thinks. I don't need to throw in all sorts of elaborate parallels, illustrations, and theological jargon, I just need to talk to my Father.
I want to become better at listening. Truly listening. Not just to what I hear from the words people say, but genuinely caring for them and listening with all of my attention on them as much as I can. To not simply blurt my opinions, but to hear what they have to say, from people older to me to the little kids. It's easy to forget that at this age I have little kids looking up to me and my peers, and therefore need to be a good example. I want to learn to lead them in the right way as much as I can.
Memorizing. These past two years especially I have fallen sadly behind in my scripture memorizing, and I can feel the difference. I need to increase my spiritual arsenal, to have more of the Bible in my mind and readily accessible to call upon.
Writing! I love writing. It's one of my favorite things to do, but I have learned that there is a difference between just writing, and writing well. One of my goals this year is to write more frequently with a better quality. And to also stay somewhat up to date in working on this blog. :) And to actually finish my current novel...
Loving. It's not something that I can complete in a year, but to learn to love with Agape. Selfless, altruistic love. Christ's love. This also ties into becoming a better sister, daughter, and friend. All of these relationships are SO important, and I'm so very blessed to have many friends and a large family, and my siblings have become some of my best friends. It's so cliche to say that, but I've really gotten a lot closer to these weirdos who I'm related to recently. Having your siblings become your best friends is one of the best cliches possible to have come true. In response to that, I want to maintain and build all of these important relationships.
Learning. It's something that been striking me lately; this world is SO big. (I know, it's a 'duh' thing, but really..) There is so much information to learn! It's incredible! In the fall I'll be learning Massage, and I'm really looking forward to that. I want to work on developing the talents God has given me, to build new ones, and reinforce weak ones. And become better at my ukelele.
Being still. To sit quietly, not fuss or worry, and let God work. He doesn't need me to sit here fretting and wondering what in the world He could possibly mean by doing THAT. He knows what He's doing, and I simply need to listen, trust and obey. All things work out for good, and He makes everything beautiful in its time. His timing is truly perfect.
They're a bit lofty, and cannot be accomplished in one year, but at least I can work on making them into a habit to improve over time.
Blessings,
me
For once I didn't make many, if any at all, New Years resolutions at the start of this year. Instead, I thought that I would put a more personal spin on things and have Birthday Resolutions. After thinking on it for a while, I have some things that I want to do more frequently this year, and they are:
Praying. Listening. Memorizing. Writing. Loving. Becoming a better sister, daughter, and friend. Learning. Being still.
I need to pray constantly and from the heart. Praying over everything, all the time. There have been times in my life when I've prayed like this, and the closeness to God is amazing; such wonderful peace. I want to work on keeping that peace close. I need to work on praying without focusing on what others think of my prayer, but what my Father thinks. I don't need to throw in all sorts of elaborate parallels, illustrations, and theological jargon, I just need to talk to my Father.
I want to become better at listening. Truly listening. Not just to what I hear from the words people say, but genuinely caring for them and listening with all of my attention on them as much as I can. To not simply blurt my opinions, but to hear what they have to say, from people older to me to the little kids. It's easy to forget that at this age I have little kids looking up to me and my peers, and therefore need to be a good example. I want to learn to lead them in the right way as much as I can.
Memorizing. These past two years especially I have fallen sadly behind in my scripture memorizing, and I can feel the difference. I need to increase my spiritual arsenal, to have more of the Bible in my mind and readily accessible to call upon.
Writing! I love writing. It's one of my favorite things to do, but I have learned that there is a difference between just writing, and writing well. One of my goals this year is to write more frequently with a better quality. And to also stay somewhat up to date in working on this blog. :) And to actually finish my current novel...
Loving. It's not something that I can complete in a year, but to learn to love with Agape. Selfless, altruistic love. Christ's love. This also ties into becoming a better sister, daughter, and friend. All of these relationships are SO important, and I'm so very blessed to have many friends and a large family, and my siblings have become some of my best friends. It's so cliche to say that, but I've really gotten a lot closer to these weirdos who I'm related to recently. Having your siblings become your best friends is one of the best cliches possible to have come true. In response to that, I want to maintain and build all of these important relationships.
Learning. It's something that been striking me lately; this world is SO big. (I know, it's a 'duh' thing, but really..) There is so much information to learn! It's incredible! In the fall I'll be learning Massage, and I'm really looking forward to that. I want to work on developing the talents God has given me, to build new ones, and reinforce weak ones. And become better at my ukelele.
Being still. To sit quietly, not fuss or worry, and let God work. He doesn't need me to sit here fretting and wondering what in the world He could possibly mean by doing THAT. He knows what He's doing, and I simply need to listen, trust and obey. All things work out for good, and He makes everything beautiful in its time. His timing is truly perfect.
They're a bit lofty, and cannot be accomplished in one year, but at least I can work on making them into a habit to improve over time.
Blessings,
me
Sunday, March 29, 2015
All Things
For the first time in two years, our pasture is once again occupied by four legged creatures! We have two geldings that we're boarding here for a month, and frankly, it's the most exciting thing that's happened in a while. All of our horse lovers are ecstatic. :)
It's been fun to have animals bigger than dogs again; I've missed seeing animals in the pasture. Yesterday after they got here I sat leaned up against a tree in the pasture, watching them mow their way across our grass with three of my siblings in close attendance, while two of my other siblings clambered in the branches above me. Everything around me was turning green, the trees were budding and blooming, and it all smelled good. I had one of my many notebooks with me, jotting down thoughts, and thinking how this is life.
Lately, I've been pondering Sanctification. The process of becoming like, and growing in Christ that occurs after Salvation. Wayne Grudem defines it as "...a progressive work of God and man that makes us more and more free from sin and like Christ in our actual lives."
It's life long. A progress that continues in your Christian walk until you die, an upward walk on the mountain. Sometimes you reach little plateaus, and the progress is miniscule, but you're continuing to walk up.
I've been having mixed thoughts about it lately; I love how it's a life long process that can't be done on our strength alone. We need God. And that is such a relief; I can't do this by myself. I'm not supposed to. I'm not enough. And the fact that it can't be all done at once is comforting, being aware that the pressure to be perfect is off. The knowledge that My Creator knows I'm inperfect, and won't be until Heaven. That when I'm feeling imperfect, broken, unworthy, He knows. He understands. And there's a greater reason and lesson to learn behind the hard time, and it's helping me on this upward walk.
But the other side of me complains that it takes so long; it's not something that I can just wake up and check off the box: "Sanctification complete". I can't just be finished with it. I like checking off boxes, but you can't really do that with this box. Instead of fretting about that though, I'm learning to enjoy the journey. Perspective. Such a lovely thing.
{ I've been having a long and rather in depth talk about all of this with Mama, and we're still working on figuring it all out. I was going to write it all out here, but haven't quite figured it out enough to do so. Therefore, if you want to go more in depth on the topic, I highly recommend Wayne Grudem's chapter on the subject, which you can read here: Sanctification }
It's wonderful, this road, because the more we grow in Christ, the more we see of Him and can experience the joy and peace that are fruits of the Holy Spirit. (Gal. 5:22)
And as we become more and more obedient to God, Paul says "the return you get is sanctification, and it's end, eternal life."(Rom. 6:22) which is our source of real and true joy. "For the kingdom of God is not food and drink, but righteousness and joy in the Holy Spirit." (Rom. 14:17)
I love how God planned it all out; because I've seen that the more you see of Christ, the more you love and admire Him. And the more you love and admire Him, the more you want to be like Him and please Him. And as you grow to do so, you reap all of the blessings. It all ties together.
I love it when that happens.
It's amazing to think of how everything has a purpose. You may not know it now, or until Heaven, but nothing happens without a purpose. Oftentimes you learn the most from the hard times, and come out stronger on the other side of trials. All things work together for good.
It's a continual journey upward.
It's been fun to have animals bigger than dogs again; I've missed seeing animals in the pasture. Yesterday after they got here I sat leaned up against a tree in the pasture, watching them mow their way across our grass with three of my siblings in close attendance, while two of my other siblings clambered in the branches above me. Everything around me was turning green, the trees were budding and blooming, and it all smelled good. I had one of my many notebooks with me, jotting down thoughts, and thinking how this is life.
Lately, I've been pondering Sanctification. The process of becoming like, and growing in Christ that occurs after Salvation. Wayne Grudem defines it as "...a progressive work of God and man that makes us more and more free from sin and like Christ in our actual lives."
It's life long. A progress that continues in your Christian walk until you die, an upward walk on the mountain. Sometimes you reach little plateaus, and the progress is miniscule, but you're continuing to walk up.
I've been having mixed thoughts about it lately; I love how it's a life long process that can't be done on our strength alone. We need God. And that is such a relief; I can't do this by myself. I'm not supposed to. I'm not enough. And the fact that it can't be all done at once is comforting, being aware that the pressure to be perfect is off. The knowledge that My Creator knows I'm inperfect, and won't be until Heaven. That when I'm feeling imperfect, broken, unworthy, He knows. He understands. And there's a greater reason and lesson to learn behind the hard time, and it's helping me on this upward walk.
But the other side of me complains that it takes so long; it's not something that I can just wake up and check off the box: "Sanctification complete". I can't just be finished with it. I like checking off boxes, but you can't really do that with this box. Instead of fretting about that though, I'm learning to enjoy the journey. Perspective. Such a lovely thing.
{ I've been having a long and rather in depth talk about all of this with Mama, and we're still working on figuring it all out. I was going to write it all out here, but haven't quite figured it out enough to do so. Therefore, if you want to go more in depth on the topic, I highly recommend Wayne Grudem's chapter on the subject, which you can read here: Sanctification }
It's wonderful, this road, because the more we grow in Christ, the more we see of Him and can experience the joy and peace that are fruits of the Holy Spirit. (Gal. 5:22)
And as we become more and more obedient to God, Paul says "the return you get is sanctification, and it's end, eternal life."(Rom. 6:22) which is our source of real and true joy. "For the kingdom of God is not food and drink, but righteousness and joy in the Holy Spirit." (Rom. 14:17)
I love how God planned it all out; because I've seen that the more you see of Christ, the more you love and admire Him. And the more you love and admire Him, the more you want to be like Him and please Him. And as you grow to do so, you reap all of the blessings. It all ties together.
I love it when that happens.
It's amazing to think of how everything has a purpose. You may not know it now, or until Heaven, but nothing happens without a purpose. Oftentimes you learn the most from the hard times, and come out stronger on the other side of trials. All things work together for good.
It's a continual journey upward.
Friday, February 27, 2015
Something about Spring
I grab my pencil, camera, and one of my numerous spiral-bound notebooks, headed outdoors.
Spring is tiptoeing her way here again, bowing to Winter as they pass each other in this annual dance. She alternates between smiles of gentle sunshine and tears, such a fickle personality.
Bare feet, wet grass, soft ground; the earth is beginning to breathe again, breaking through the frozen barriers, filling lungs with new air. It smells fresh out here; new, cleansed. The birdsong has returned and the frogs vocalize together, using their throats after a long rest.
I see flowers blooming, but the trees haven't yet unfurled the green love letters they wrote last winter.
Chives are coming again in the garden, shy, but sure of their right to be there. Brash, cheeky, and eternally optimistic maple seedlings have sprouted en mass wherever they please. The rhubarb is pushing up underneath the hydrangea bush, the new life pushing through the skeletons of last year's blossoms.
I think on the words of Anne of Green Gables, how spring always "makes her go a bit mad", and I can relate. I go to one of my favorite childhood trees, putting the notebook between my teeth so I can climb with both hands, and a page falls out. I pick it up; a forgotten letter I wrote to a dear friend, a letter I never sent. Memories.
Sad mingled with sweet.
But I push them away after dwelling for a moment, scrambling up the slippery bark on the slender tree until I'm sitting nestled among the branches. I feel the tree sway slightly as I shift my weight, and laugh at how I must look; a 17 year old with long, messy light brown hair, bedecked in an old hoodie, yoga pants tied up in a knot around my knees, and bare feet dangling out of an old crooked vine maple in the middle of a former cow pasture, scribbling studiously and dreamily in a notebook.
But the little and unusual things in life are beautiful. It's peaceful here.
There's something about Spring. The excitement of fresh starts, seeing old and familiar sights again, new greenery everywhere, flowers, new beginnings and old returns. The stirring of life after Winter's sleep inducing lullaby; the birds flitting in chorus, the sap in the trees pumping again, the squirrels remembering their mischief, flowers and leaves unfurling and stretching in their sunbaths and showers.
The stirring in your soul, the excitement in the air and tingling under your feet, it can't be captured. Spring, though temperamental, is free as a thought, and won't be captured, contained, or bottled.
There's just something lovely about Spring.
Spring is tiptoeing her way here again, bowing to Winter as they pass each other in this annual dance. She alternates between smiles of gentle sunshine and tears, such a fickle personality.
Bare feet, wet grass, soft ground; the earth is beginning to breathe again, breaking through the frozen barriers, filling lungs with new air. It smells fresh out here; new, cleansed. The birdsong has returned and the frogs vocalize together, using their throats after a long rest.
I see flowers blooming, but the trees haven't yet unfurled the green love letters they wrote last winter.
Chives are coming again in the garden, shy, but sure of their right to be there. Brash, cheeky, and eternally optimistic maple seedlings have sprouted en mass wherever they please. The rhubarb is pushing up underneath the hydrangea bush, the new life pushing through the skeletons of last year's blossoms.
I think on the words of Anne of Green Gables, how spring always "makes her go a bit mad", and I can relate. I go to one of my favorite childhood trees, putting the notebook between my teeth so I can climb with both hands, and a page falls out. I pick it up; a forgotten letter I wrote to a dear friend, a letter I never sent. Memories.
Sad mingled with sweet.
But I push them away after dwelling for a moment, scrambling up the slippery bark on the slender tree until I'm sitting nestled among the branches. I feel the tree sway slightly as I shift my weight, and laugh at how I must look; a 17 year old with long, messy light brown hair, bedecked in an old hoodie, yoga pants tied up in a knot around my knees, and bare feet dangling out of an old crooked vine maple in the middle of a former cow pasture, scribbling studiously and dreamily in a notebook.
But the little and unusual things in life are beautiful. It's peaceful here.
There's something about Spring. The excitement of fresh starts, seeing old and familiar sights again, new greenery everywhere, flowers, new beginnings and old returns. The stirring of life after Winter's sleep inducing lullaby; the birds flitting in chorus, the sap in the trees pumping again, the squirrels remembering their mischief, flowers and leaves unfurling and stretching in their sunbaths and showers.
The stirring in your soul, the excitement in the air and tingling under your feet, it can't be captured. Spring, though temperamental, is free as a thought, and won't be captured, contained, or bottled.
There's just something lovely about Spring.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Moments on the back porch
I have this new favorite spot where I talk to God, and I would've never thought that it would be my special place. A few years ago I fixed up our chicken shed; cleaning it out, painting it inside and out, decorating it, and making it lovely. I had planned that this could be my little retreat that I could go and pray in, not like you have to have a specific spot to pray in, but I personally think that it's nice to.
Instead, my new special spot is on our back porch. Just two worn wooden steps pushed up against our green walls, next to the basketball hoop and the hose. It has a nice view of the pasture, and at night you can see the stars peeking through the trees.
The other night I was sitting out there, looking at the inky silver-studded sky, wrapped in a blanket as I smelled the rain kissed ground.
I pondered some things I've been going through these past couple months, how you can go your whole life hearing things, memorizing words, and going through the motions, watching other people sing the praises of said thing, and never get it...until you go through trials, and then it all gets real. And it's just as amazing as people say.
Specifically, being held by God in hard times. Talking to Him. And actually being able to hear Him talk back. Learning to worship Him. Falling and having Him pick you up, actually being able to feel His Love. It's beyond amazing, and I've only had brief tastes of it.
It brings me to tears, and that night was no different. Just being able to talk to my God and have Him talk back, it's overwhelming. I've never had this feeling before, and it's just as amazing as people say it is.
I reflected on these past months- I've had some trials that are personally really hard, but in hindsight, looking at what I've learned, I praise Him for the hard times. Through them, I realized that I had things that were replacing God in my heart. I was clinging to something that wasn't His will for me. Gripping it with white knuckles and tears streaming down my cheeks, refusing to let go. I had prayed about it so long I was sure that it was God's will, but it turned out it wasn't. I had wandered from God farther than I would like to admit. I was also in bondage to a bad habit I've had for five years, and couldn't seem to overcome. People were telling me things, and I wouldn't listen to them, sure that me in my 17 years of wisdom knew better. Pride of life...
And I couldn't figure out why I felt so distant from God.
Then the trials happened, and I was brought to my knees. I was broken. Over time, I realized my idol that I had set up. Realized that I was scared to let go. But I learned to, and continue to learn. And as a result, He helped me break the habit I was in bondage to. He told me He had something better than the dream that I was grasping. It doesn't mean that it wasn't hard. It's so very hard at times.
Honestly, I've had terrible days and nights, lots of tears. It's hard to release a dream to die that you've let grow for years. I have scars from it. But I can hear God now. I can talk to Him. And it's worth it.
I opened my little palms and let God tell me where to go, let Him help me and come into my heart, let Him heal me. And the peace is lovely. The freedom is too. Just abiding and trusting that God has a plan for me; that He'll lead me to where He wants me to go, and to what I need to do, and to the people He has for me. I don't have to worry about things, He makes all things perfect in His timing. And without the trial and heartache, the whole experience, I probably wouldn't have gotten to this spot. He truly works out all things for good (Romans 8:28), and I praise Him for it.
I pondered, snuggling into my blanket, how the Holy Spirit opens your eyes at the right time. I love God's timing. When the words you've heard your whole life suddenly become real, like when you learn to read. All of the strange, black little scribbles in the paper suddenly make sense, and there are now whole worlds of excitement and wisdom to discover.
You suddenly see the truth behind the words, and God has orchestrated it all so beautifully, lifting the blinds and letting the understanding in at just the right time, at the moment when He knows that you'll be open to seeing the truth, the reasons behind what's been going on, you understand why. You learn to not be bitter from the hurt, to accept it, let Him hold and heal you, and trust that the future will be better because of what you know now.
Personally, I'm generally not all that stubborn. I'm a peacekeeper and don't like making unnecessary waves. But threaten something or someone that's dear to my heart and I will set my heels in and stick to it. Which in the right times is good, but when I'm holding onto something that I shouldn't be, it's not good at all. I tend to have to learn the hard way in those situations, and yet it seems that the hardest lessons to learn are often the very best ones that give the most rewards and peace in the end. Ideally though, it would just be better to have a soft heart and not have to hit rock-bottom. Working on that...
I heard a song the other day, and one of the lines was "sometimes you have to be broken in order to be made whole." I've been pondering that, and I agree with it.
I learned that sometimes the dreams you hold aren't what God has for you. That His are better, even if you can't see past the clouds yet, and that He has a plan for you. He'll give you new and better dreams. Sometimes letting go is the best thing you can do. He can heal hurt and scars, and yet they have a purpose too. Hard lessons are good and beneficial if you take them the right way. God is good.
Part of a song I've been listening to recently has some lyrics that I've been holding onto, and seem to fit my thoughts pretty well:
There are far far better things ahead
Than what I leave behind
Will You help me find my way?
I'm on a journey
I'm losing who I used to be
I am learning how to die
It's changing every part of me
There are far far better things ahead
Than what I leave behind
Will You help me find my way?
Blessings,
~me
Instead, my new special spot is on our back porch. Just two worn wooden steps pushed up against our green walls, next to the basketball hoop and the hose. It has a nice view of the pasture, and at night you can see the stars peeking through the trees.
The other night I was sitting out there, looking at the inky silver-studded sky, wrapped in a blanket as I smelled the rain kissed ground.
I pondered some things I've been going through these past couple months, how you can go your whole life hearing things, memorizing words, and going through the motions, watching other people sing the praises of said thing, and never get it...until you go through trials, and then it all gets real. And it's just as amazing as people say.
Specifically, being held by God in hard times. Talking to Him. And actually being able to hear Him talk back. Learning to worship Him. Falling and having Him pick you up, actually being able to feel His Love. It's beyond amazing, and I've only had brief tastes of it.
It brings me to tears, and that night was no different. Just being able to talk to my God and have Him talk back, it's overwhelming. I've never had this feeling before, and it's just as amazing as people say it is.
I reflected on these past months- I've had some trials that are personally really hard, but in hindsight, looking at what I've learned, I praise Him for the hard times. Through them, I realized that I had things that were replacing God in my heart. I was clinging to something that wasn't His will for me. Gripping it with white knuckles and tears streaming down my cheeks, refusing to let go. I had prayed about it so long I was sure that it was God's will, but it turned out it wasn't. I had wandered from God farther than I would like to admit. I was also in bondage to a bad habit I've had for five years, and couldn't seem to overcome. People were telling me things, and I wouldn't listen to them, sure that me in my 17 years of wisdom knew better. Pride of life...
And I couldn't figure out why I felt so distant from God.
Then the trials happened, and I was brought to my knees. I was broken. Over time, I realized my idol that I had set up. Realized that I was scared to let go. But I learned to, and continue to learn. And as a result, He helped me break the habit I was in bondage to. He told me He had something better than the dream that I was grasping. It doesn't mean that it wasn't hard. It's so very hard at times.
Honestly, I've had terrible days and nights, lots of tears. It's hard to release a dream to die that you've let grow for years. I have scars from it. But I can hear God now. I can talk to Him. And it's worth it.
I opened my little palms and let God tell me where to go, let Him help me and come into my heart, let Him heal me. And the peace is lovely. The freedom is too. Just abiding and trusting that God has a plan for me; that He'll lead me to where He wants me to go, and to what I need to do, and to the people He has for me. I don't have to worry about things, He makes all things perfect in His timing. And without the trial and heartache, the whole experience, I probably wouldn't have gotten to this spot. He truly works out all things for good (Romans 8:28), and I praise Him for it.
I pondered, snuggling into my blanket, how the Holy Spirit opens your eyes at the right time. I love God's timing. When the words you've heard your whole life suddenly become real, like when you learn to read. All of the strange, black little scribbles in the paper suddenly make sense, and there are now whole worlds of excitement and wisdom to discover.
You suddenly see the truth behind the words, and God has orchestrated it all so beautifully, lifting the blinds and letting the understanding in at just the right time, at the moment when He knows that you'll be open to seeing the truth, the reasons behind what's been going on, you understand why. You learn to not be bitter from the hurt, to accept it, let Him hold and heal you, and trust that the future will be better because of what you know now.
Personally, I'm generally not all that stubborn. I'm a peacekeeper and don't like making unnecessary waves. But threaten something or someone that's dear to my heart and I will set my heels in and stick to it. Which in the right times is good, but when I'm holding onto something that I shouldn't be, it's not good at all. I tend to have to learn the hard way in those situations, and yet it seems that the hardest lessons to learn are often the very best ones that give the most rewards and peace in the end. Ideally though, it would just be better to have a soft heart and not have to hit rock-bottom. Working on that...
I heard a song the other day, and one of the lines was "sometimes you have to be broken in order to be made whole." I've been pondering that, and I agree with it.
I learned that sometimes the dreams you hold aren't what God has for you. That His are better, even if you can't see past the clouds yet, and that He has a plan for you. He'll give you new and better dreams. Sometimes letting go is the best thing you can do. He can heal hurt and scars, and yet they have a purpose too. Hard lessons are good and beneficial if you take them the right way. God is good.
Part of a song I've been listening to recently has some lyrics that I've been holding onto, and seem to fit my thoughts pretty well:
There are far far better things ahead
Than what I leave behind
Will You help me find my way?
I'm on a journey
I'm losing who I used to be
I am learning how to die
It's changing every part of me
There are far far better things ahead
Than what I leave behind
Will You help me find my way?
Blessings,
~me
Friday, January 30, 2015
I'm back!
Hey everyone,
I finally came back to blog world! Haha, life got busy again, so I had to put this on delay. Things happened though while I was gone; my brother Chasen came back from the military for two weeks, and that was great to have him back, I wrote our family's annual Christmas letter for the first time and that was an adventure! It involved lots of digging into this past year's memories, which was quite enjoyable, we found a church that fits us, I found a bunch of adventures to go on this summer, and we decided that I'm going to a Technical School this year!
That came as a bit of a surprise to me, as growing up, I had never planned on going. Anywho, right now the plan is I'm graduating (or at least finishing High School) by April, then starting my three pre-req classes at a Technical School nearby for the Spring quarter through Running Start. After that I have all of my summer adventures (New York, cooking at camps, other camps, trip to Colorado) and then go back to School to become a Massage Practitioner. And I'm turning 18!
It's quite a change from what I had always planned on doing once I finished High School (Sit in my room swathed in blankets, with thunder storms crashing outside. finishing my novels, drinking tea, eating chocolate and salad with my cat curled up by my feet, occasionally venturing out to socialize and cook stuff for the family, and have adventures. Haha, just kidding. My mom just read this and wanted to write what her plan had been for me, and trust me, we were on different tracks. Haha. :P ) as I never really had a huge plan, but figured I'd figure something out. But I like this plan. I've always been interested in Massage, and God's opened a lot of doors for me. It's exciting and slightly overwhelming all at the same time.
It makes me grateful for God's plan, and the fact the He has one, and He knows what's going to happen. He makes everything beautiful in it's time. I love it. It can be hard letting go of the plans that we make, I personally tend to hold onto my plans until my knuckles turn white and I'm on the ground clawing to keep hold of it as it slips away, but God knows best, and it's so much better to just trust Him. Which is such a 'duh' thing that I feel really immature. I'm a silly little 17 year old girl. He's God, the Ruler and Creator of the Universe.
Of course His plan is better.
I have to go and work on school now, but I'll get another post up soon!
Blessings,
me
I finally came back to blog world! Haha, life got busy again, so I had to put this on delay. Things happened though while I was gone; my brother Chasen came back from the military for two weeks, and that was great to have him back, I wrote our family's annual Christmas letter for the first time and that was an adventure! It involved lots of digging into this past year's memories, which was quite enjoyable, we found a church that fits us, I found a bunch of adventures to go on this summer, and we decided that I'm going to a Technical School this year!
 |
| Because once your little brother gets taller than you, you can enforce the Piggyback Tax. |
It's quite a change from what I had always planned on doing once I finished High School (Sit in my room swathed in blankets, with thunder storms crashing outside. finishing my novels, drinking tea, eating chocolate and salad with my cat curled up by my feet, occasionally venturing out to socialize and cook stuff for the family, and have adventures. Haha, just kidding. My mom just read this and wanted to write what her plan had been for me, and trust me, we were on different tracks. Haha. :P ) as I never really had a huge plan, but figured I'd figure something out. But I like this plan. I've always been interested in Massage, and God's opened a lot of doors for me. It's exciting and slightly overwhelming all at the same time.
It makes me grateful for God's plan, and the fact the He has one, and He knows what's going to happen. He makes everything beautiful in it's time. I love it. It can be hard letting go of the plans that we make, I personally tend to hold onto my plans until my knuckles turn white and I'm on the ground clawing to keep hold of it as it slips away, but God knows best, and it's so much better to just trust Him. Which is such a 'duh' thing that I feel really immature. I'm a silly little 17 year old girl. He's God, the Ruler and Creator of the Universe.
Of course His plan is better.
I have to go and work on school now, but I'll get another post up soon!
Blessings,
me
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