Instead, my new special spot is on our back porch. Just two worn wooden steps pushed up against our green walls, next to the basketball hoop and the hose. It has a nice view of the pasture, and at night you can see the stars peeking through the trees.
The other night I was sitting out there, looking at the inky silver-studded sky, wrapped in a blanket as I smelled the rain kissed ground.
I pondered some things I've been going through these past couple months, how you can go your whole life hearing things, memorizing words, and going through the motions, watching other people sing the praises of said thing, and never get it...until you go through trials, and then it all gets real. And it's just as amazing as people say.
Specifically, being held by God in hard times. Talking to Him. And actually being able to hear Him talk back. Learning to worship Him. Falling and having Him pick you up, actually being able to feel His Love. It's beyond amazing, and I've only had brief tastes of it.
It brings me to tears, and that night was no different. Just being able to talk to my God and have Him talk back, it's overwhelming. I've never had this feeling before, and it's just as amazing as people say it is.
I reflected on these past months- I've had some trials that are personally really hard, but in hindsight, looking at what I've learned, I praise Him for the hard times. Through them, I realized that I had things that were replacing God in my heart. I was clinging to something that wasn't His will for me. Gripping it with white knuckles and tears streaming down my cheeks, refusing to let go. I had prayed about it so long I was sure that it was God's will, but it turned out it wasn't. I had wandered from God farther than I would like to admit. I was also in bondage to a bad habit I've had for five years, and couldn't seem to overcome. People were telling me things, and I wouldn't listen to them, sure that me in my 17 years of wisdom knew better. Pride of life...
And I couldn't figure out why I felt so distant from God.
Then the trials happened, and I was brought to my knees. I was broken. Over time, I realized my idol that I had set up. Realized that I was scared to let go. But I learned to, and continue to learn. And as a result, He helped me break the habit I was in bondage to. He told me He had something better than the dream that I was grasping. It doesn't mean that it wasn't hard. It's so very hard at times.
Honestly, I've had terrible days and nights, lots of tears. It's hard to release a dream to die that you've let grow for years. I have scars from it. But I can hear God now. I can talk to Him. And it's worth it.
I opened my little palms and let God tell me where to go, let Him help me and come into my heart, let Him heal me. And the peace is lovely. The freedom is too. Just abiding and trusting that God has a plan for me; that He'll lead me to where He wants me to go, and to what I need to do, and to the people He has for me. I don't have to worry about things, He makes all things perfect in His timing. And without the trial and heartache, the whole experience, I probably wouldn't have gotten to this spot. He truly works out all things for good (Romans 8:28), and I praise Him for it.
I pondered, snuggling into my blanket, how the Holy Spirit opens your eyes at the right time. I love God's timing. When the words you've heard your whole life suddenly become real, like when you learn to read. All of the strange, black little scribbles in the paper suddenly make sense, and there are now whole worlds of excitement and wisdom to discover.
You suddenly see the truth behind the words, and God has orchestrated it all so beautifully, lifting the blinds and letting the understanding in at just the right time, at the moment when He knows that you'll be open to seeing the truth, the reasons behind what's been going on, you understand why. You learn to not be bitter from the hurt, to accept it, let Him hold and heal you, and trust that the future will be better because of what you know now.
Personally, I'm generally not all that stubborn. I'm a peacekeeper and don't like making unnecessary waves. But threaten something or someone that's dear to my heart and I will set my heels in and stick to it. Which in the right times is good, but when I'm holding onto something that I shouldn't be, it's not good at all. I tend to have to learn the hard way in those situations, and yet it seems that the hardest lessons to learn are often the very best ones that give the most rewards and peace in the end. Ideally though, it would just be better to have a soft heart and not have to hit rock-bottom. Working on that...
I heard a song the other day, and one of the lines was "sometimes you have to be broken in order to be made whole." I've been pondering that, and I agree with it.
I learned that sometimes the dreams you hold aren't what God has for you. That His are better, even if you can't see past the clouds yet, and that He has a plan for you. He'll give you new and better dreams. Sometimes letting go is the best thing you can do. He can heal hurt and scars, and yet they have a purpose too. Hard lessons are good and beneficial if you take them the right way. God is good.
Part of a song I've been listening to recently has some lyrics that I've been holding onto, and seem to fit my thoughts pretty well:
There are far far better things ahead
Than what I leave behind
Will You help me find my way?
I'm on a journey
I'm losing who I used to be
I am learning how to die
It's changing every part of me
There are far far better things ahead
Than what I leave behind
Will You help me find my way?
Blessings,
~me
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